Have you settled well?

I have moved places (and countries) a few times. This is a question I have been asked A LOT! Like lots of things that challenge you, it does something with you. To me it feels a bit like the question `how are you?´. So, what's behind your question? How much time do you have? What is our context here? Funny, there is no one answer. Not only is every move different but so is every single day. Just thinking about the answer to this question can make me feel like the walls are moving in, like I have to have a very good answer to it, I am being put in a box.I completely appreciate that the person asking this is coming from a very innocent place and even a place of kindness… however, depending on when you catch me I may have many different answers for you, even within one single day. What does 'settled' even mean?

The house is up and running

The house feels like our home

The kids are settled at school

I have a job

I have friends

I feel happy

Do I qualify now? I think I can successfully go through a checklist still not knowing how to answer that question… also, I guess my answer to this has changed over the last 6 months. It has evolved, I have gone back and forth and still people ask me and I have to think about it. It is not a linear process and I think that I am starting to accept that nothing is and that every time I have moved, I have changed as a person. Maybe just ever so slightly but maybe massively. And it doesn't always show. Sometimes (fundamentally) change just creeps in and it takes a while to manifest. It is unsettling. But this doesn't have to do with the move. I think most people could use that check list even without moving.

If anything the move simply highlights all sorts of change that has been going on. Change happens in all areas of life, constantly. Have you separated? Change schools? Started a new job? Found a new partner? Has your faith changed or evolved? Did you have to change your plans for some reason?

Looking up the word `settle´ I came across 4 different meanings of the word.

1. resolve or reach an agreement

2. pay a debt or account

3. adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and home

4. sit or come to rest in a comfortable position

I think it is safe to say that no one asking me `have you settled?´, is referring to definitions 1 and 2… when I came across definition 3, I thought that I had found I was looking for but then definition 4 really ` unsettled' me (for lack of a better expression).

Firstly, do I feel more steady or secure? Have I ever felt steady or secure? Is this something I should be aspiring to? No answers here, rather more questions! Do people who have not moved recently feel like they are settled in that sense of the word? Here is something that would usually come up for me: since someone is asking me the question, maybe they have it, that settled feeling?! I am probably the only one struggling with it!! Maybe I should be asking this question, too?

And then definition 4 comes in… have I come to rest in a comfortable position? Coming from the figurative sense of this definition, I can say with absolute certainty that I have not. Nor have I ever, nor do I think that I ever will or want to come to rest in a comfortable position! Finally, looking at the question and thinking about being or feeling `settled´ from a few angles, I can safely say that I will continue to struggle with my reply and with all the buttons this question can push for me.

So, these are all the thoughts which I go through in my head when being asked this question. It can completely throw me. For a moment, for the day. It can shift something in me and make me view my current position from a different angle. It can make me feel very grounded, or sad, or anything in that moment.

It feels good though, to take a moment and slow down, to think about it, to process things and to see what places we come from. Thinking about questions, about contexts and what our circumstances do with us is what I do through coaching. If this is a journey that you would like to go on, then I would love to have a conversation with you and hear what pushes your buttons and where you are coming from.

So, if you bump into me and ask the infamous question, I hope you have some time for me to elaborate ;-)

#courage#coaching#daretobe